Celebrity Milk "Illegally Sold" To Non-Celebs

There is consternation amongst Britain's A-List today, as The New York Times reveals milk from cloned cows may have illegally found its way into the milk supply intended for 'ordinary people'.

In the strange parallel universe populated by our beloved 21st Century Royalty, it has long been the case that unusual and special foodstuffs have been available in order to help them maintain longevity and creativity. Such 'superfoods' as Goji Berries, Weasel Shit and Princess Diana's Tears have all previously been reserved for our beloved entertainers and others deemed to be 'celebrities'.

Cloned milk, originally invented by US corporation Halliburton for former US Vice-President Dick Cheney (alleged to be a replicant like in that film Blade Runner, and keeping him going long past a 4-year lifespan), has been credited with giving Madonna the body of a 40-year old man, and countering the effects of silicon on Jordan. It was, however, utterly ineffectual in boosting the performance of England's footballers during this year's World Cup.

It is thought that some of the ambrosia found its way into the mainstream food supply when backstage staff at Simon Cowell's X-Factor auditions mischievously added it to cups of tea for starstruck hopefuls, giving them strange unearthly abilities, prompting Cowell to exclaim, "Britain Has Too MUCH Talent!"

The high-waisted pop Svengali has arranged for huge tanker planes to urgently fly to the US to replenish the UK's supply of cloned milk before the public are able to see the effects of withdrawal. Newspaper editors are expected to embargo all celeb-related stories until supplies are restored.